Being a mommy was way better than I ever imagined. Jason was so easy - sweet and loving and never any trouble. Occasionally you would see a narrow defiant streak, but so rarely you could almost forget it was there. He was beautiful and funny. He loved his stuffed animals more than any other toys.
When he was 3 months old we moved to another state. It was a point in my personal life of deep trouble - domestically, emotionally - and I found great comfort in the day-to-day responsibilities of taking care of my boy. We were each other's company and spent lots of time at the park and the library, exploring our new city and learning to make friends.
When Jason was 2, we made another big move - back where we came from - and a year later I found that I was pregnant. I have so many images in my brain of that time. Taking a walk because I felt so sick, and the house was so unpleasant, and then being unable to get back home - Jason's concerned face.
It was at this time that we bought some land and decided to build a house. My pregnancy was difficult and I had to spend a lot of time laying on my left side. Jason learned to work the new VCR and TV (we didn't have one before), and watched his one video of Mickey Mouse over and over.
Andrew was born and Grandma and Jason's favorite person in the world - his aunt - took care of him. I will dwell on this part a little, because it may be a clue to the direction Jason took in his later life. And since there's no point in not being totally honest, this may be where things began to go wrong.
Andrew was not at all like Jason (of course) and his care was more taxing. As I look back on it now, I should have been more aware of how it would impact Jason to have somebody else taking an unequal amount of my time - time that had been solely his. It was also here that we decided to build on our land. My in-laws moved into our 2 bedroom duplex with us, as well as a family friend who helped us build. We were all busier than we had ever been with no alone time, because of our restricted living quarters. I am certain that the change from our easy, Jason-centered life style to non-stop-from-morning-to-late-attention-elsewhere had to be a shock to the little guy. The pictures I see of him from this time seem to suggest sadness. I wish I had seen it at the time.
