On March 27th my sister called me early in the morning saying that our mother had stopped breathing during the night and was gone. She and my middle son had just spent several days with her and had left the previous evening. They had thought they had seen an improvement with her and were positive about her future. They had even had a providential conversation about her wishes for her funeral.
Mom's biggest driving force was her independence. She wanted to be in charge of her own life, and refused to budge on that point. Who really knows why your life ends when it does, but I am sure the idea of not going back to her homey apartment with her cat and car and TV was discouraging to her. She had spoken often lately about how much she missed her own mother, and I think the prospect of that reunion gave her hope.
My mother's steadfast refusal to give up any of her independence, her very stubborn insistence on the path that she chose for herself was both a problem in our relationship and one of the reasons for this tribute.
My dad died when I was 12. We were living in Houston and Mom decided we needed to be closer to family, so we moved to Rolla, Missouri where her parents and sister lived. I know I was not easy to be with during that transition. I hated Missouri, I missed my friends in Houston, and thought Rolla was a "stupid town, with nothing to do". I even convinced myself that I was going to spend our first Missouri Christmas in Houston. I made a chart with the days numbered and took great delight in marking off the days. With somewhere about 10 days to go, Mom told me I wasn't going. There was lots of door slamming for a while.
Mom wanted my sister and I to have a solid Christian background, so she found a church that had a school and enrolled us in it. This was not a popular decision, either. They wore UNIFORMS in that school. Skirts and vests. It was awful. Our school was on top of a tire store, and the whole town make fun of us.
But there was no talking her out of it. She had made up her mind that this was the direction to take, and she took it, dragging us along with her. Who is to say if it was the right or wrong choice. I do know that she gave up the opportunity to get a good paying job so that she could be the secretary for the school/church. I know that my sister and I probably paid more attention to learning than we would have in the public schools. I know that the opportunities to get into trouble for me were seriously limited.
As I grew older, got married and had children, my relationship with my mother grew more complicated. She had a lot of influence over me, and that clashed with my husband. When I tried to become more independent, that was hurtful to her, and that caused problems as well. Eventually, I think we found a comfortable middle ground, and she was closely involved in my kid's lives.
In thinking about her past, I don't think I gave her the credit she deserved. She lost her husband and moved her children with her to a new place. She was fierce in her protection of us, and made us her life's work. It didn't matter who she offended, if she was convinced that her plan was the right one, she never waivered.
She successfully raised two teenaged girls, supported us financially and emotionally, created an environment that convinced us we could do anything we wanted. My mother was a powerful ally and a very strong woman. I am grateful that she was my mother.
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