Fear has been a primary component of what compels me to behave as I do for as long as I can remember. I often hear my mother's voice in my head, "What if this happens? What if they leave me? What if we run out of money? What if a terrible accident happens that could have been prevented because I didn't do what I was supposed to?" These thoughts were wrapped tightly to an almost superstitious belief that my actions dictated the outcome of things impossible to control. It was the hope that if I planned for the worst, it probably wouldn't happen.
In my sane mind, I knew this wasn't true. It nevertheless directed my internal monologue most of my days, as I look back on my life now.
Did that fear, the thoughts of horrendous outcomes and tragedy protect me? Certainly not. What it did do was rob me of the joy that I could have had in countless moments.
It makes me mad now to think of the captivity that fear kept me in. Fear kept me from enjoying fully the childhood of my children. It kept me bound in negative places that were harmful to my soul. I was a prisoner of possible bad things. Possible. But most of those things didn't happen. Some did. I, however, was unable to prevent the bad things with all that fear for all those years.
I began this line of thought several weeks ago. It is my habit to listen to radio shows while I'm working; mostly political shows that predict dire situations for my country, for my savings account, for my culture. I listen because I want to be informed about the world, and I find that the shows I listen to are both "entertaining and enlightening". Largely, I am not depressed by the information I'm hearing. Concerned is more the emotion generated, as well as having some talking points for interesting conversations.
I do have to be on guard, however. It is possible, after a large dose of such negative predictions and warnings to loose hope. This is where I found myself several weeks ago.
Here's what I do now, when I feel that familiar dread creeping into my brain: I stop it. Here's what I say to my mind when I start to be afraid: "God is in control and He loves me." My years of practice in thinking of all possible tragedies has given me plenty of imagination. Those are the times that I put on the mental brakes and give it to God.
The four year anniversary of Jason's death is approaching. In 2013 I lost four people very dear to me. And death is not the only way to loose someone that you love. Sometimes they move and you don't get to share your life with those loved ones like you have.
I can't live everyday with the expectation of sadness. That is not the kind of life God wants for me. I also can not protect myself from pain. But I will not allow fear to keep me from those relationships that may possibly end. I will not let it. I am through being a captive to fear. I will remember that He is my provider. I will listen for His voice saying, "I'm with you."
